Category: Humor

Mark E. Smith, author, inventor, and super-crip extraordinaire, has a new article up about a conversation he had with his daughter about Halloween.

The Mathematics of Halloween (when your dad uses a wheelchair)

Nearly soaked my keyboard. Again.

From Fake Gay News:

Toaster Ovens Replaced by Newer Gadgets in Effort to Boost Lesbian Enrollment
by Mary Martin 08/22/2006

DALLAS, TX – The marketing material for new website www.tiredoftoasterovens.com says it all: “Do you regularly recruit women into the lesbian community? Are you tired of being rewarded with a lousy toaster oven for your efforts? Do you have an Internet connection? Then Tired of Toaster Ovens is here for you!”

Tired of Toaster Ovens is a new online store that features a wide variety of prizes for lesbians who recruit. The store was created after complaints from more technology-savvy lesbians, who were disappointed in receiving a toaster oven instead of something more contemporary.

“A toaster oven, for real? What about an IPod or a Blackberry? Now those are things I can really use,” said Tammy, a 22-year-old lesbian from New York.

link to full article

I was directed today to check out “Fake Gay News” which has an article on a new boutique in NYC that sells lingerie for butches. I about wet my pants laughing!

Store Carrying Lingerie for Butches has Grand Opening
by bad machine 08/17/2006

NEW YORK, NY- A new concept store featuring lingerie for butches opened yesterday in Greenwich Village. Sandwiched between Victoria’s Secret and Ace Hardware, the store, I.C. London, is the first of its kind, carrying an exclusive line of intimate apparel for the butch woman.

“Until now, butches have had to either make do, or do without,” said I.C. London owner, Olivia “Ollie” Fangboner. “Men’s underwear doesn’t exactly cut it for many of us, traditional women’s panties don’t bring out our real selves. Bras with bows or lace? No thanks.”

I.C. London’s product lines include mix n’ match intimates, underwear, and sleepwear, all designed and tailored for the distinctive tastes of today’s butch lesbian. Shoppers browsing the store’s ruggedly designed displays seemed pleased by the unique selections. One woman in a baseball cap and cargo shorts, who was there when the doors first opened, enthused, “I’ve never seen plaid flannel thongs. And look at these polo-collared chemises. This is probably the femmest thing I’ve ever said, but I’m getting one in every color.”

link to full article

Don’t read it whilst drinking any liquid ’cause chances are, it’ll wind up on your keyboard. Oh, and it could be considered NSFW.

From APs Strange News via MyWay News:

Turkey Testicle Festival Can Keep Name
Oct 17, 8:37 PM (ET)

FORT MYERS BEACH, Fla. (AP) – Organizers of fourth annual Turkey Testicle Festival can keep their name, despite concerns about the propriety of the word and the island’s virtue.

The Fort Myers Beach Council voted 4-1 Monday to allow the Surf Club bar to use the Turkey Testicle Festival name after a laugh-out-loud discussion, according to the News-Press.

Councilman Charles Meador said this year’s festival will the fourth annual, and went on to list more than 12 other cities that host annual events with the name “testicle.”

“Who cares what the name is,” Mayor Dennis Boback said. “Money is going for a worthy cause.”

The festival has raised about $3,000 for the Harry Chapin Food Bank in each of its past three years. A change in policy that requires the town council to approve special events brought the issue of the name to the table two weeks ago.

Councilmen Bill Shenko and Garr Reynolds had said the name is inappropriate for a family island. They asked that the word testicle be removed from the name and all advertising.

Shenko reversed his position Monday and supported the name. Reynolds continued his opposition.

“We do have youngsters here,” Reynolds said. “We’re trying to uplift their thinking.”

link to article

Whether this is an actual event or not, I don’t know. But I had to share.

From CripHumor:

[thanks to Vicky for this one:]

This is a bricklayer’s accident report, which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian equivalent of the Workers’ Comp Board. This is a true story.

Dear Sir:
I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put “poor planning” as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient. I am a bricklayer by trade.
On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six story building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later, were found to be slightly in excess of 500 lbs.

Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the Barrel out and loaded the bricks into it Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.

You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form I weigh 175 lbs.

Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally, impressive speed. This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.

Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience a great deal of pain.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs.

I refer you again to my weight.

As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me.

This explains the two broken legs.

I hope this now adequately answers your inquiry.

From CripHumor:

Old Interpreters [for the deaf] never die, they just sign off

—

[thanks to skulkingdawg for this one…]
I came out of a convenience store the other day and some seedy looking guy walks up to me and holds up a little sign: “DEAF & MUTE … Can you spare $10?”

Wow! What happened to a dollar or two? So I reached into my pocket for my wallet, opened it, took out a folded piece of paper and handed it to him.

It said: “I CAN’T READ” and I walked away.

—

Call 1-800-HEARING for free information on deafness.

—

Karaoke is Japanese for “tone deaf drunk with a microphone.”

—

The deaf cowboy rode with his dog and herd.

—

>From TV’s M.A.S.H., “How can you eat this slop, Radar?” “My mouth is tone-deaf.”

—

The dialog from a Frank and Ernest cartoon by Bob Thaves…
The scene is a health club. The sign on the wall says ‘Weight Room. Improve Your Muscle Tone.’ A muscular guy with a sleeve less shirt that states ‘Trainer’ says to a shaking and worn out looking Frank [who is struggling to lift weights] ‘Apparently your muscle tone is deaf.’

—

A nurse places her stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf
female patient’s posterior chest wall. “Big breaths,” instructed
the nurse. “Yes, they used to be,” remorsed the patient.

From CripHumor:

“Doctor, Doctor, You’ve got to help me – I just can’t stop my hands shaking!”
“Do you drink a lot?”
“Not really – I spill most of it!”
—
A miracle drug is one that has now the same price as last year.
—
Lady says to pharmacist: “Why does my prescription medication have 40 side effects?”
Pharmacist replies: “Cause that’s all we’ve documented so far.”
—
A man goes to the eye doctor. The receptionist asks him why he is there. The man complains, “I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes.” The receptionist asks, “Have you ever seen a doctor?” and the man replies, “No, just spots.”
—
What’s the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist?
One treats what he thinks you have, the other thinks you have what he treats.
—
The ER resident began his examination by asking his patient what brought him to the hospital. The man replied, “An ambulance.”
—
Psychiatrist to his nurse: “Just say we’re very busy. Don’t keep saying ‘It’s a madhouse.'”
—
A psychologist returned from a conference in Aspen lodge, where all the psychologists were permitted to ski for free.
Her husband asked her, “How did it go?”.
She replied, “Fine, but I’ve never seen so many Freudians slips.”

From CripHumor:

(yesterday)

While making rounds, a doctor points out an X-ray to a group of medical students. “As you can see,” she says, “the patient limps because his left fibula and tibia are radically arched. Michael, what would you do in a case like this?”

“Well,” ponders the student, “I suppose I’d limp too.”

(today)

THE ADVANTAGES TO BEING MOBILITY IMPAIRED

– Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
– People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
– No one expects you to run into a burning building.
– Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.
– In a hostage situation, you are likely to be released first.
– You get primo seating at music venues [except for Garth Brooks]
– Instead of running for your life you can now ‘Pun’ for your life < wordfoolery.com >

[ mostly from Jest-A-Day Journal – http://jestaday.com ]

From CripHumor:

[thanks to Sissy for this one…]

Patients call the pathology group where I am office manager to discuss their medical bills. One irate woman demanded that I describe every laboratory test on her statement.

Of course, I complied. Starting with the first test on her bill, I read, “Number 1, urinalysis…”

She interrupted me at once. “I’m a what?”