Category: Real Life

Oy! What’s going on in my life? How are my critters? How is Lorna? And what about Naomi??

bookmark_borderBend, Not Break

Posted on by PaulaO

I used to have a wooden sign that said in German: Biegen nicht brechen. Bend, not break. Like a tree in the wind, I bend but don’t break. Or that is my intention. I need to find that sign because I need to be reminded of that again.

When I was 14, few days shy of 15, I learned a big word. Over time, I mangled my memory of it and it isn’t the right word anymore. But it meant giant cell bone tumor. I learned other big words: ilium and encapsulated. I bent a lot that year. And the one that followed. I grew up a lot, too. I tried briefly to be a brat but didn’t like it that much. It just wasn’t my style.

When I was 25, I learned another set of big words: Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome. With it came hypermobility, sublux, and hyperelasticity. And I learned about morbidity and autosomal genetics.

I’ve learned about other things, other big words over the years. Some have been just breezes that ruffled a few leaves. Some have broken a few branches. One or two have been winds so strong, I was almost toppled.

I am 48 and have learned yet another big word. I lost some branches. I bent so low, some roots were exposed. The new words are epidural lipomatosis. Also known as a mass in the spinal column. In my case, it is at L4 (the 4th lumbar vertebrae) Theses fatty masses are very rare. Even more rare in females. They are usually caused by steroid use, obesity, or Cushing’s disease (which I do not have, thank God). I was told to live with the pain. That I had to lose 100lbs before the pain would go away. That until the spinal cord is compressed more and the symptoms much worse, there is no course of action other then treat the symptoms (which he was leaving up to my GP to handle). Of course, I was depressed as hell. A hundred fucking pounds? Was he nuts? That would put me at a weight less than what I was in college! The summer where all I could afford was bloney and bread. It wasn’t going to happen which meant I was stuck with yet another set of pain for the rest of my life.

I don’t think many people can understand the level of pain I have on a regular basis. And I hope no one ever does. But the idea of yet more added to it and I didn’t know if I had the strength any more. My back alone is like a Bingo card. C4-7 (compression, stenosis, impingement) , T2-4 (compression), L4-5. Bingo!

A family crisis pulled me out of my own funk this weekend and made me think outside my own head for a few days. Which gave me a chance to see the entire picture better. I broke the problem into chunks and will deal with it that way. It’s the only way I can, really. Else I’ll break.

bookmark_borderAnd What a Life It Can Be

Posted on by PaulaO

One of the very few good things about Facebook is the ability to notify or update a whole bunch of people at once about something. Like a book release. Or the progress of someone who is sick.

I am currently keeping track of three kids on Facebook. Tripp, Tyler, and Olivia. Olivia and her brother Tyler were in a car accident four weeks ago. She suffered a brain injury but bounced back rather quickly. She’s doing great and will probably recover completely. Tyler’s injuries are more spinal. Essentially, his skull was separated from his spine and his spinal cord was stretched. C1 and C2 were knocked completely out of place. He just had surgery to put them back and they ended up reattaching C3 and C4 as well. Tripp was injured just over a year ago. He was just 2 and was playing at his day care when a limb fell and hit him in the head. Tripp recognizes everyone around him but cannot move much, nor speak or swallow. He is making progress, slowly but surely. The brain is a marvelous thing at re-routing itself.

But this post is about Tyler. Or, rather, the life Tyler may be facing. And that’s the life in a chair. Some say that’s not a life. Some say “He’ll walk again!” as if that is the only thing there is. For some people, that may be true. I wrote a post on his FB page, trying to gently say “no, it’s not the only thing there is”.

We were watching television the other day and it was about how those older science fiction writers (Asimov, Clarke, etc) managed to get some of it right. They had this guy talking about an exoskeleton. It’s a long way from being done but he can strap it on and basically “walk” with it. He’s basically a quadriplegic due to a bomb while in the military. But what he said struck me hard: “This will get me my life back”. I wanted to reach through the screen and slap the shit out of him. He owned a successful research company that, even though they had not yet reached their goal, their work had spawned patents that were now going in other directions and doing great things. He must have a brain because a lot of the planning he did himself. He tries all the prototypes himself first. He looked really muscular so he must work out. Yet, he says he had no life because he couldn’t walk. And that’s sad.

But he’s not the only one. I hear comments like that all the time. One’s life does not end when one’s butt is placed in a wheelchair. One’s view changes. One’s life changes. But one’s life does not end. Alterations have to be made, yes. But alterations have to be made for most any life change. Get married? You’ll need everything for 2 now. Have kids? Wow, now that’s a life alteration!

So Tyler, like I said before, having the goal in rehab of doing all you can to perhaps someday walk again is a good goal. But putting all of your mental eggs into that single basket is not a good thing. Have a life where you are. If your life means you will go from a power chair to a manual and then to crutches then to cane, GREAT!! If it means you go as far as the manual, that’s great too. Live life to the fullest wherever you are. And you are surrounded by folks who believe in the power of praying to God for healing. Sometimes, God’s healing isn’t exactly what you asked for. And sometimes God’s answer is No. God loves you even if you are walking, limping, or rolling. And if God thinks you can do what you need to do rolling, then, well, that’s what might happen. Trust me, I’ve gone rounds in the boxing ring with God on this healing and the lack thereof business for many years! He and I ain’t done yet but we’ve agreed to disagree and I’m allowed to stomp his right foot when I get there.

You’ll be fine, wherever you are, however you get there.

bookmark_borderSouthern Christmas

Posted on by PaulaO

I wrote this last year, I think. It is pure sarcasm, pure tongue-in-cheek, pure Paula. Consider yourself warned.

Now, us Southerners, now, we do it different that the rest of y’all. We put lights on anything that will sit still long enough. And, to add to the beauty that is Christmas, we also put lit crosses up on our roofs or in the yard. If you can plug in your lights and not blow a fuse or throw a breaker, you just ain’t got enough. Go get more and try again.

In the South, we don’t understand Catholics and their “orthodox” dates. Heathens (those who don’t go to church ’cause you know it says “who ever believes in me and goes to church Sunday morning, Sunday night, Wednesday night, and Thursday night once a month meeting”. If the King James was good enough for Jesus our Lord to carry, it’s good enough for me!). Where was I? Oh, right. Heathens are going to hell in a hand basket but Catholics are the ones carrying the basket. So we have Christmas Eve on the 24th of December and Christmas Day on the 25th of December in the same year.

Christmas Eve is when you go to the family you don’t like the most. Usually the wife’s parents. That way you eat and leave. The kids get gifts from their grandparents (and any cousin living there) that night. If you are lucky, no one has a fight and no one gets a black eye like the year before. But, more commonly, the husband stays home and let’s the wife take the kids to her folks then bribes the kids with candy to tell him what they talked about the most.

The only presents under the tree at home are from siblings or cousins or whatever. Santa’s presents magically appear while the kids are a sleepin’. (Never knew how he did it, especially since our chimney was a 4″ metal pipe hooked to a roasting hot wood stove. Even when we got to be old enough to lose the magic of Santa, there would always be new stuff when we’d get up Christmas morning. While we waited for our parents to get up, we could go through our stocking. Always always always was an orange stuffed into the toe. The fun was in getting the damn thing out of there without making juice.)

Christmas day, after lunch, is when you go visit the other grandparents. Usually, the wife stays home so as to not bring up “that” subject again at the table. Nothing ruins Christmas dinner at Mama’s more than two women not speaking to each other.

Church on either day is not required. It’s a birthday, not a funeral and birthdays belong at home. Church stuff happen the weeks before like when the children’s bible study class does the same play they’ve been doing for the last hundred years. No one says anything about the plastic baby. The last time they tried a real baby, he screamed his head off at the wise men with their big fake beards and a screamin’ Jesus just ain’t right.

Also in the week before, the adult men and women bible study classes go a-caroling to the “shut-ins”. Their acapulco voices sound right nice echoing down the valley. Especially since they gave the wrong time and date to whatshisname who can’t carry a tune in a bucket with a sealed lid.

That’s about it. No special food. No other tradition. Oh, except you can’t take the lights down until at least March although most folks wait until June.

bookmark_borderOne Big Publishing Family

Posted on by PaulaO

One thing I have always loved about my publisher is the family atmosphere.

Yes, we get spankings. We get lectures. We get reprimands.

We also get gold stars (proverbial). We get attaboys and attagirls. We get praises and counseling and attention.

We lost one of our family. Donna Pawlowski was the cover artist of RCE. She worked for Cathy for over 12 years and has designed over 100 book covers. And did a damn fine job of it. I don’t think I ever met her in person but I didn’t need to. I knew her through her work, through the covers of the books RCE published.

Link to her obituary: Donna Lee Pawlowski
Link to an article about her death: Rexford woman’s drowning off Cape Cod believed to be accidental

bookmark_borderMatters of the Heart

Posted on by PaulaO

For the past few weeks, I’ve felt like crap. My heart has been skipping along, enjoying itself, while the rest of me was dizzy, stuttering, and tired. Tests take a while to schedule then take a while to be read so we’ve been in “hurry up and wait” mode.

I’m used to hearing “we don’t know what it is but you seem fine” and “we know but it’s nothing to worry about” and “learn to live with it”. My mother was once told she needed “the elixir of life”. Seriously.

First we did the simplest. We lowered my blood pressure medication. Beta blockers do a great job of treating hypertension but they also tend to slow the heart down. In my case, that was good since mine tends to run fast ’cause I don’t. Run that is.

No change, though so next I had an ultrasound of my carotid arteries. They are fine. That’s good.

I wore a Holter monitor for 24hrs. The results from that were mixed. On the one hand, I had normal sinus rhythm (meaning the heart beats in a rhythm linked to our breathing). But, I also had a lot of PVCs. I know I go to Lowe’s a lot but, really.

Okay, get serious here.

Premature ventricular contractions (PVCs) are extra, abnormal heartbeats that begin in one of your heart’s two lower pumping chambers (ventricles). These extra beats disrupt your regular heart rhythm, sometimes causing you to feel a flip-flop or skipped beat in your chest. Premature ventricular contractions are very common — they occur in most people at some point.

(…)

Your heart is made up of four chambers — two upper chambers (atria) and two lower chambers (ventricles). The rhythm of your heart is normally controlled by the sinoatrial node (SA node) — or sinus node — an area of specialized cells located in the right atrium. This natural pacemaker produces the electrical impulses that trigger the normal heartbeat. From the sinus node, electrical impulses travel across the atria to the ventricles, causing them to contract and pump blood out to your lungs and body.

Premature ventricular contractions are abnormal contractions that begin in the ventricles. These extra contractions usually beat sooner than the next expected regular heartbeat. And they often interrupt the normal order of pumping, which is atria first, then ventricles. As a result, the extra, out-of-sync beats are usually less effective in pumping blood throughout the body.

Why do extra beats occur?
The reasons aren’t always clear. Certain triggers, heart diseases or changes in the body can make cells in the ventricles electrically unstable. Underlying heart disease or scarring may also cause electrical impulses to be misrouted. Premature ventricular contractions may be associated with:

Chemical changes or imbalances in the body
Certain medications, including common asthma medications
Alcohol or illegal drugs
Increased levels of adrenaline in the body that may be caused by caffeine, exercise or anxiety
Injury to the heart muscle from coronary artery disease, congenital heart disease, high blood pressure or infections (myocarditis)

(source: Mayo Clinic)

So, that’s where we are now. And here’s the plan.

First, I am to go back to my original dosage of beta blockers. My BP has been slowly rising but the worrisome part is the systolic (upper number) has gone up to be way, way high. As in 100 pts or more higher than the diastolic (lower number) which is also rising. 195/70, 193/83, 196/91, etc. Not good.

Second, I am to cut back on caffeine. Not that I am a caffeine junkie, but I do drink Coke during the day at lunch. It is my treat of the day. If I have a headache, it is part of my treatment when one first starts. I’ve been having a lot of headaches since this started (which is why I had the carotid ultrasound) so I’ve been drinking more than one a day which didn’t help the PVCs which gave me more headaches which….you get the circle.

Third, I am to start taking my blood sugar levels more often. First thing in AM, 2 hrs, and 4 hrs after largest meal. It could be the high blood sugar is stressing my system which in turn freaks out the heart. Since my blood sugar is highest in the afternoons and that’s when the skips were the worst, we want to see if the dots connect.

And fourth, the line was drawn in the sand for me in terms of when to go to the ER. The other day, while yelling at the football games, my chest started hurting. Then it would go away. In the afternoon, when the skipping was the worst, my chest hurt after each hard THUMP then would slowly go away. Until the next one. So the doc fussed at me then said “If it happens again, go to ER. If nothing else, we get a picture of what is going on, even if nothing is going on.”

See, I have EDS and my muscles are constantly tight trying to hold me together. So on the one hand, it could be the heart was under a lot of stress and reacted with pain. Or it could be that two weeks of being chest conscious, I was unconsciously tightening those muscles which started having spasms. We’ve had heart concerns before but the pain was from sternum inflammation. Which hurts like the bejeebers, by the way. Don’t try that at home.

And fifth, one I added on my own, I am to continue doing the mini-meditation work I’ve been doing. A good friend said to use emerald green and sometimes pink (shudder) so I’ve been meditating on enveloping myself in emerald green that has a pink line around the edges. Doesn’t look as bad in my head as it does outside of it. If nothing else, it is making me feel like I am doing something to help myself vs sit here on my ass all day, worrying.

So, there’s where I stand. Um, sit. Whatever. Still concerned but relieved my heart is fine, just not feeling well at the moment. If you can, keep me in your prayers. Envelop me in green (but not too much pink) and don’t send me chocolate. Dammit.

bookmark_borderBook Cover!

Posted on by PaulaO

The book cover for To Sleep is up! Let me know what you think.

You can see it and the synopsis over at the RCE site on my author page. Or just look below.

The book is due out in November, 2013. I can’t wait!

To Sleep is told through the journal of Karen Miller, a nurse and student from Philadelphia. The journal begins the night three alien ships appear above Earth. When Karen awakens, she is told Earth was destroyed by a space phenomenon called the Rift and she is to be the leader of a small group of women tasked with assisting their alien rescuers in awakening the four billion or so surviving humans who are in cryogenic suspension.

Each time Karen goes to sleep, she doesn’t know exactly what it will be like when she awakens. The line between what is real and what is not real becomes so blurred that Karen and the other women can only trust each other. When reality is finally defined, the six of them learn truths that will forever change not just themselves, but every genetic homosexual on Earth.

bookmark_borderButch Bag Part 2

Posted on by PaulaO

A while back, I got myself a new bag. Not a purse, a bag. Yes, there is a difference. As I said in that one, I self-identify as butch yet carry too much crap to keep in my pockets.

I loved the bag for about a week or two but some things about it just didn’t work for me.

– One, it is all black inside. I couldn’t see a thing. Normally, I see just great in low light but apparently that does not transfer so well to a dark bag.
– Two, it has velcro on the front flap. There’s a clip but then you had to peel the velcro apart to get in the bag. Noisy. Although it meant you didn’t have to clip it closed all the time.
– Three, in that dark inside were too many pockets. I know, sounds odd coming from me but it was just too many. It wasn’t like I could just feel my way to whatever I was looking for.

Lorna, however, loved it. So she stole it. She says she appropriated it. Whatever. She likes all the pockets, can find things relatively quickly, and really likes that it has the pocket for her Nook Tablet. And neither of us feels we wasted the money since she is using it.

I’ve been looking around, still trying to find something that worked. Duluth Trading Company has a cool leather bag but I just could not justify spending the money ($149). Same for the LL Bean oiled canvas bags they have.

A few weeks ago, I went back to eBags to see if they had anything new and I found it. It is actually the same bag, just updated. The two major updates? No velcro and the inside is yellow. Way. Cool. The other bag was 11.75″ x 8.5″ x 4″ and this one is slightly larger at 12″ x 10.5″ x 4″.

It came the other day and I’ve messed around with it some. The flap has a pocket. It’s odd shaped but roomy. My phone fit just fine but it made the flap heavy. Under the flap is another zippered pocket. This is where I’ll keep my phone. On each side of the bag are pockets. One is a mesh bottle holder and the other is a fleece lined pocket for sunglasses. My sunglasses are prescription so I’ll keep ’em in the case and not there. Not sure what I’ll use that one for. Inside is a large pocket for a tablet computer on the back and in the front are a few pockets. One for a pen, one narrow one, and a wider one that just holds my sunglasses case. Behind them is another big pocket. In the back is an odd pocket they say is for your boarding pass. I’ll try that out going to Dallas in a month. And I just looked at the photos and saw another pocket. It’s a zippered one. Maybe there’s as many pockets as the other one after all. But maybe they feel like less since I can see them.

We went out to do an errand this afternoon and I got to actually use it. My water bottle fits just fine. Took some convincing but that should get better with use. At least it holds it in! Everything else I carry fits just fine, too. It is the same width (front to back) as the first bag but it feels and looks wider. They added a pocket, removed some of the inside ones, and changed the design of the front flap. I don’t need the strap right now so I took that off when we got back. It’s just extra weight and gets caught on stuff. Lorna catches the dogs with it every day when she comes home. However, that strap will be great for Dallas since I can hang it on the back and carry extra stuff in there. AND my camera fits, too. There’s a cool camera store here in Asheville called Ball Photo. We were there not that long ago and I saw they had a lot of the old style camera cases/covers. We’ll go back and see if I can find one to hold my camera. I dropped my sunglasses case into the main compartment then later had trouble getting them out. So I’ll try standing them up on one of the smaller pockets to see if that helps. This is the fun part of getting a new bag, figuring out where everything should go!

Of course, pictures!

Top row: the bag and my Nalgene OTF. Next row is my phone and the bag that holds my folding headset. Then there’s the glucose meter, wallet, sunglasses case, glucose tabs, pen, and bandana. Still to be put together will be the medication supply, eye glass cleaner, and a small notebook. Hey, that can go in that padded pocket! (also, as a side note, that thing dangling from the arm of my chair is my holder for the water bottle.)

The next two are the inside of the bag.

The two bags together.

bookmark_borderMedicare and Medicaid Idiocy in NC

Posted on by PaulaO

(the below is based on my understanding of how this all works)

[rant]

Medicare is a federal thing, granted to people over 65 (or 67?) and to the disabled (and some others). To receive Medicare as a person with a disability (PWD), one must be declared “disabled” by the Social Security Administration (SSA). The SSA determines the declaration on the person’s ability to obtain and maintain “gainful employment”. SSA is completely employment based. PWDs who gain the declaration from SSA receive Social Security Disability Income (SSDI). The amount paid is based on how much the person paid into the program while working. If a person was self-employed and did not pay into the program, they are not eligible for SSDI nor Medicare.

Medicaid is a state thing. Most states base the eligibility on income although there are other criteria.

A person can have one and not the other or they can have both. I have both. I have Medicare because I applied for and was granted SSDI about ten years ago. Since I cannot be on Lorna’s insurance even if we were married (DOMA), I have both medical and prescription coverage under Medicare. I have Medicaid since they only consider my income and, including royalties and SSDI, I only earn about 11K a year. Because Lorna and I are not married, she is seen as a housemate. Even though we support each other financially, her income is not taken into account.

Like most states, North Carolina is losing money. And like most state governments the first place they discuss cutting is Medicaid. NC has a new Republican governor, Pat McCrory who from the beginning is proving to have his head up his ass, one hand on the Bible, and the other hand doing a circle jerk with the other Republicans and the corporations who own them. One of his first moves was to threaten closing several liberal art state college programs, primarily any gender studies. Even though hundreds if not thousands of businesses (including rape crisis and victim advocates) use these educational programs, McCrory believes they are wasting tax money.

Now McCrory wants to “privatize” Medicaid. His idea is to have 3-4 groups hand out the money in the form of physicians having only X amount of dollars to spend on each Medicaid patient.

Let that sink in a minute.

Several years ago, Medicaid tried to limit how many physical therapy visits a patient could have. I can’t remember the amount but it was ridiculously low. So low that many patients with chronic conditions would have run out of their yearly allotment in less than 6 months. I was one of those people. I could probably go to PT twice a week and have something legitimate to work on. We had to teach me the steps, have me do it at home, then come back in two weeks to discuss and learn the next. It was tricky because I had to make sure I was doing it right, had to make up materials and equipment, etc etc etc. It was a pain in the ass for me and the PTist. She actually used me as a case study to present to the state board as she and other PTist began their “Are you fucking nuts?!” discussions. Other problems were because I didn’t fit into any single box in terms of medical definitions. I didn’t have paraplegia so I wasn’t eligible for certain things even though I needed it. I didn’t have MS so I wasn’t eligible for other things. We did a lot of headbanging for about two years until it was “fixed”.

And what McCrory wants to do is worse. This would limit not just my PT, but everything from blood work to equipment to tests to surgery. What happens if my doc runs out of my funds and I get ill? Or what if I am healthy and don’t use my allotment? Do I then have less the next year?

Hey, McCrory, you want to save the state money? How about taking a pay cut like everyone else has? No? How about looking at the money the state pays each year for those idiots to build their big houses on sand and expect the state to rescue their asses year after year when hurricanes come? No? Still stuck on chasing pennies while hundreds blow in the wind? Okay, then take a look at how much the state is paying for medical equipment. The 24v gel cell deep cycle batteries for my chair cost the state $500 each. My chair uses 2 of them. The state “rents” my CPAP for 13 months then buys it for me. In that 13 months, you could have bought me about 3 machines of much better quality than the dumb doorstop I got. You won’t pay for my $50 a year dental check up but you will pay the $14K dentures I will soon need. Shall I go on?

Better yet, allow Lorna and I to marry so I am no longer eligible for Medicaid! Wouldn’t that be so simple? Wouldn’t that save the state a ton of money since I’m sure we’re not the only lesbian/gay couple with this situation?

[/rant] (for now)

http://www.mountainx.com/article/49611/State-officials-to-visit-Asheville-will-discuss-Gov.-McCrorys-Medicaid-proposal

bookmark_borderMigraine Mania

Posted on by PaulaO

“Ah, a good day,” she said as she slumped in her seat, eyes closed, her hand rubbing her temple.

I got up this morning with a slight headache. Usual stuff. I was intent on eating a good breakfast and getting some work done. Ha.

I have headaches and migraines. Yay. Today I first tried drinking a Coke and took Tylenol and ibruprfen (my “cocktail”). Often, that’s all I need to nip it before it grows but it didn’t work and I ‘sploded. I also took a cool shower (needed one anyway, ya know?). The sensation of the water on my head feels sooo good during a migraine.

Fun fact: touch sensation travels faster to the brain than pain sensation. It is why we rub our elbow or knee or whatever when we bump against something. So the pounding of the water on my head drowns out the pain. Neat, huh?

After that, I went straight for the Big Gun (Relpax), ate some Ritz, drank water, and tried another Coke. It didn’t stop it. By this time, Lorna was home and we discussed options. I took Bacolfen and Skelaxin (muscle stuff since it is definitely neck related) and some more of the cocktail (minus the Coke). Two hours later, I took a second Relpax. Then I tried a decongestant as my eyeballs are sore. The second Relpax made me goofy (well, worse than usual). I tilted back in my chair, put on some Robin Bullock music, and chilled out.

Finally, after umpteen pills, 12hrs after it started, it is finally backing off. My eyes hurt like someone is pressing in with their thumbs and it feels like someone else is behind me pressing against the base of my skull. And a third person (getting crowded in here) is squeezing my head in a vise. Yeah, need some schizophrenia meds, too, eh?

I see the Headache Doc in a few weeks. I take amitriptyline to prevent the every day just because I am Me headaches. It seemed to be working at first but the last several months they are coming back. We added Baclofen to try and get my neck (and the rest of me) to loosen up. Then we added the Relpax to stop the Big Kahuna ones (yes, I name everything. Have to. Else it gets too heavy).

And that was just today.

I’ve tried some homeopathic remedies in the past but could never seem to find the right one. The headaches are related to my neck issues. They won’t do surgery because my arms don’t have any loss of sensation. I have several neck braces but I hate them all for vanity reasons mostly. The Headmaster Collar is the one I go to the most. Still hate it though.

So…if anyone has any ideas, I am open to suggestions. And no, Lorna won’t let me cut my head off. I’ve asked. She’s so picky.

bookmark_borderSkyping With the Kitchen

Posted on by PaulaO

I just Skyped with my kitchen.

Mike has turned into a thief. We could have a slab of raw meat on the counter and it be safe from him. But leave out fruit or veggie? Gone.

Last night Lorna made us stuffed peppers. She had the top half or so of the two peppers left over and she carefully sliced them into small pieces to use in a salad. I kept snitching pieces and got my hand slapped. I gave the boys a bit of the pepper and they both ate it (Sam is a meat man, not so much on the other food groups). Lorna takes the pan out to the grill and I return to the office. A few minutes later, Lorna comes in, pissed as heck.

All of the pepper on the counter was gone. She had pushed it way back, thinking that was far enough. Nope.

Mike is short, right about knee level or so. But he’s long. He’s removed the banana peel from a bowl without moving the bowl or moving the spoon. He’s eaten steamed veggies from the bag in the sink, without knocking over the container of water that was balanced over it. He’s pulled stuff from the sink without moving anything else in there, going right for the veggie or fruit.

So yesterday I had a “talk” with him. With dogs, you have to catch them in the act to make your point. They allegedly cannot make the link between you shaking the ripped up shoe at them and the act of them ripping the shoe. Allegedly. I think some can make that connection, but most cannot. Anyway, I took him by the collar and led him back to the kitchen. I put his feet up on the counter and pointed to the remains of the pepper (the furthest few bits that must’ve been out of his reach). I then began talking. Not yelling, not shaking him, just talking. I told him that we’d had enough of this. That stealing was not a good thing. I then took him out on the back porch and continued our discussion. I used not just words, but mentally visualized him taking the pepper and me getting mad at him. I visualized him looking at the pepper and leaving it alone and me petting him like mad. I looked him in his chocolate eyes and told him we were disappointed and angry and, you know, stuff like that. His ears got flat against his thick skull and his eyes got more and more chocolately. He was channeling his inner Joella. I didn’t fall for it but I wanted to.

I then made him stay outside and I shut the dog door.

The trick to disciplining a dog is knowing what works with each individual dog. Jake was stuck in her own little world and the only way to get your point across was to get physical. You had to hold her head, bop her nose, or shove to the ground. Zeus hated to be separated from us. Hated it. So for him we made him leave the room. Sparky, for all his lack of brains, for him, talking worked. He and Lorna used to go out on the back porch and have discussions about his inappropriate behavior. For Maggie, it was vocal tone and body position. I was once telling Lorna something I had seen on television and it involved hands on my hips, feet apart, and the “I’m so disappointed in you” voice. Maggie slunk out of the room.

Mike’s not a physical dog. Being physical with him won’t work because the trauma from it would take away from whatever lesson there is to be learned. Talking to him hasn’t seemed to work in the past. So I tried a combination and this time, included separation. He was only outside alone for maybe two minutes.

So today I peeled an orange, ate most of it, gave him a bite. I left the peel on the counter. Then I cut up an apple, leaving the core and a few other bits also on the counter and I gave him a bite of that, too. Nothing out of the ordinary. Then I put the laptop on the stove, aimed it toward the counter, and used Skype to view the kitchen from the office on Lorna’s computer.

And the little shit never touched it. He sniffed at it twice. Never put his feet up. Even the sniffing was just a second or so.

Instead, he stayed with me, giving me that chocolate look again. Did he make the connection? Did he read my mind and knew I was setting him up? We know Mike is a smart dog which is why I hoped the talking worked. My bet is that it was too soon. I’ll give him a few days and set him up again.