Category: Humor

Reasons and ways to laugh

bookmark_borderPunny

Posted on by PaulaO

From CripHumor:

The famous movie star, Henry Fonda, was making a film in New Orleans years ago and took a liking to the local spirit called absinthe. He drank quite a bit every evening upon completion of the film’s daily shooting. After several weeks of film making [and drinking], Mr. Fonda started having pains in his chest. He was immediately rushed to a local hospital. They took his medical history and gave him a full screening of tests. The diagnosis was that he had an enlarged heart.

Since the condition was a new one and of concern, he queried the attending physician. The doctor responded his patient shouldn’t be surprised about the situation. “Your condition is obvious,” the physician told him,”because absinthe makes the heart grow, Fonda. ”

[from GROANERS]

bookmark_borderBulwer-Lytton contest

Posted on by PaulaO

I was catching up on my friends’ sites/blogs today and of course went to Sophia’s LiveJournal blog. She had a post about the Bulwer-Lytton contest. The winner this year did great!

I’m still skimming down through the winners of the various sections (dishonorable mentions). I about wet my pants over this one:

Winner: Children’s Literature

There was an old woman who lived in a shoe who had so much equity (because our story, dear children, is set in Miami’s hot real estate market) that she upgraded the exterior to blue suede siding as a tribute to her idol, Elvis, moved her kids to a bootee out back, and then reopened the place as the “Are You Lonesome Tonight?” motel (but you’ll have to wait until you’re 18 to read any further).
Barbara Bridges
Sierra Madre, CA

Then I came across these:

Special Salute to Breasts Category

As she sashayed out of the police station, her high heels clicking a staccato rhythm on the hard tile floor, like a one-armed castanet player in a very bad mariachi band, her ample bosom held in check only by a diaphanous blouse, and bouncing at each step like a 1959 tricked out Low-rider Chevy with very good hydraulics—she smiled to herself as she thought of the titillating interrogation from Detective Tipple about the Twin Peaks Melon Heist.
Wayne Spivey, Major, USAF Retired
Huntsville, Texas

When she sashayed across the room, her breasts swayed like two house trailers passing on a windy bridge.
Stan Higley
Fairport, NY

Although Brandi had been named Valedictorian and the outfit for her speech carefully chosen to prove that beauty and brains could indeed mix, she suddenly regretted her choice of attire, her rain-soaked T-shirt now valiantly engaging in the titanic struggle between the tensile strength of cotton and Newton’s first law of motion.
Mark Schweizer
Hopkinsville, KY

bookmark_borderLaugh Or Else

Posted on by PaulaO

Two jokes fer ye today.

From CripHumor:

My mom has a lead foot, so I was not surprised when a state trooper pulled us over as we were driving through Texas. Hoping to get off with a warning, Mom tried to appear shocked when he walked up to the car.

“I have never been stopped like this before,” she said to the officer. Because she drives from her electric wheelchair in a lift equipped van this some how usually works and the policeman winds up just giving her a verbal warning. But, this time, the officer asked, “What do they usually do, ma’am, shoot out the tires?”

Yep, she got a ticket.

From my brother who got it from Joke-A-Day:

Take some good advice: Never try to baptize your cat.

bookmark_borderLetter to the “Pets”

Posted on by PaulaO

Dear Pets:

When I say to move, it means to go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The hallway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn’t help, because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort.

Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping, they can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.

My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. When I exit this room, I will come out the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years. Canine/Feline attendance has never been necessary.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other animal or your butt. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.

In return for your following these simple rules, I have posted the following message on our front door:

Our Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like
to Complain About Our Pets:

1. They live here. You don’t.

2. If you don’t want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.

3. I like my pet a lot better than I like most people.

4. To you, it’s an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn’t speak clearly.

5. Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, don’t ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don’t hang out with drug-using friends, don’t smoke or drink, don’t worry about buying the latest fashions, don’t wear your clothes, don’t need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell the results.

plagiarized stolen borrowed from mad_spinster over at WheelchairJunkie.com

bookmark_borderExtra Effort

Posted on by PaulaO

From the GCLS chat list:

“…a friend sent me the following … and I just could not resist posting it to the list (vbg)”

I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week.

Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor’s office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45am.The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn’t have any time to spare. As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn’t going to be able to make the full effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pyjamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in ‘that area’ to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.

I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I’m sure you do, I hopped up on the table,looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away. I was a little surprised when the doctor said, ‘My, we have made an extra effort this morning,haven’t we?’ I didn’t respond.

After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal … some shopping, cleaning, cooking, etc. After school when my 6 year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, ‘Mommy, where’s my washcloth?’ I told her to get another one from the cupboard. She replied, ‘No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it.”